Raising Challenged Kids

Raising challenged kids
by
Reema Bansal

Sahil and Anita, a doting couple, were exuberant when Anita gave birth to a boy. But not for long; as the baby had cerebral palsy, a brain-damage characterized by paralysis and motor dysfunction. While Sahil went into depression, Anita found it difficult to even look at the baby.
Raising challenged kids can be a very daunting experience. Perhaps none other than the parent, who goes through it, knows it. But it need not be all that bad, provided it is dealt with head-on. Fortunately, humans have the potential to adapt to any situation in the best way. Sahil consulted a counsellor, and Anita began to acquire knowledge about her baby’s condition to raise him accordingly.
A slightest malfunction/damage can lead to multiple types of abnormalities. For bringing up such kids who are different from others, certain suggestions go common for all parents…
Not the End of the World.
Firstly, know that your child is not less beautiful than others, but, differently beautiful. So, though it’s hard, keep a basic flame of optimism aglow. It’s perfectly natural to feel shocked and devastated initially, but with time you’ll realize that like everybody, s/he also has strengths & weaknesses, likes & dislikes, ups & downs. It’s just that these need special channels to get tapped and communicated.
To quote from Dr. Walter F. Stromer’s famous address at the Indiana School for the Blind, “In the entire history of mankind, the present is the best time for people with disabilities”. With endless tools and gadgets at hand, ample clinical guidance available, and enough research being undertaken in various psychological and physiological fields, challenged people don’t lack options today - provided these get sufficiently explored. And, the scene is becoming further disabled-friendly with time.
Educate Yourself
Information puts fear into perspective. The more you’ll know about the condition and available help, the better equipped you’ll be to deal with it. So, get relevant books, see the physician regularly, meet people with similar (and different) disabilities, log on to internet; but take care not to apply the worst that you come across to yourself.
When asked if details of the problem should be disclosed to the child, here is what Delhi based counselor and psychotherapist (rehabilitation of the disabled) Dr. P. Sahajpal says, “Tell children as much as is essential, but with care lest it mars their self-esteem. However, as they mature, you may start revealing more; they must know their condition in entirety to be able to grow into well-adjusted & independent individuals. Also, don’t sound regretful; kids are very sensitive recipients and intuitively perceive the tone of any conversation.”
Dr. Sehejpal, who is also a parental counselor in All India Federation for Welfare of Mentally Retarded, further stresses the importance of parental involvement in child’s life. Studies conducted on mothers of speech impaired and mentally challenged children have shown that undergoing training in accordance with their kids’ disability helps the mother contribute to kid’s development more efficiently.
Lead a normal life
Round the clock, whatever you think/ do - planning a picnic or going for a movie, exploring career options or summer classes…every activity will entail giving a thought to the handicap. No doubt, it’s important for you to be cautious about things, but don’t let it stop you from enjoying a normal life. Instead of treating the problem as an additional burden, think of it as another thing to be managed… like budget or time. It’s easier said than done, but, with practice, this approach will get reflected in all your behaviour and imbibed by your children. For this, be like any other family - let siblings fight, let them party, and let the child participate in as many activities as possible – laying dinner table, school trips, birthday parties etc.
Social Life
Bombarded with questions, stares, and suggestions by people, you might want to alienate yourself. But, you (and your child) have to stay in this very society; so learn to deal with people’s curiosity in an articulate manner. If you accept your situation, your child will accept his, and understand that it is people’s discomfort upon seeing an apparently disadvantaged individual which makes them question/sympathize; they don’t know how else to react. So, teach your child to give them short satisfying answers leaving no ground for more queries. As the saying goes, nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Also, it is essential for your kid to interact with other disabled people. For one, the child must know that s/he is not the only different one. Secondly, it serves as great source of moral support, guidance and information. Dr Sehejpal suggests talking freely about the handicap in such groups as this will lead to a ‘catharsis’ whereby your child will learn to comfortably accept him/herself.
Sturdy Oaks, not Delicate Tendrils
You’ll be tempted to ignore most of your child’s mistakes; but don’t do that. He needs as many rules & regulations as other children, as many reprimands & praises, and as many joys & sorrows. Give a considerate upbringing, not lenient.
Physically challenged children should become so knowledgeable that the disability takes a back seat in their persona. Encourage the development of hobbies and stimulate their interest in games. Give them tools, gadgets, aids…and give them confidence in themselves. Let the kid set his own standards and not compare himself to others.
At times, your child will need a shoulder to cry on; give yours, it’s not easy being challenged. However, don’t let any resentment build in yourself or your kid. Teach him/her that Nature is not unjust…but its ways are beyond human comprehension.
Don’t Hesitate
At every step, you and your family will feel different from others. Accept it, and go ahead - whether it means approaching school authorities for special arrangements or appointing a full-time nurse for your child. Though Indian schools and colleges don’t provide many facilities as of now, awareness is on the rise. People won’t know how to help unless you tell them. If your Attention-Deficit-Hyperactivity-Disorder boy needs monthly visits to a psychologist, do it; for as long as an action helps the child, people’s remarks shouldn’t matter.
Teach your kid to laugh it off when others act curious. A friend of mine, who is afflicted with a neural disease, always carries a big pair of scissors to cut open chips packets, chocolate wrapping and medicine packing as her hands lack the strength to tear them open. Though people find it weird (her disease doesn’t show itself overtly), she simply smiles at their curious looks.
You and your family
Having a disabled member changes the entire atmosphere of the household. Special care needs to be taken lest the non-disabled siblings start feeling ignored, or the disabled child begins to feel like others’ responsibility or the lack of time and energy begins to affect your relationship with your spouse.
Issues faced by the non-disabled sibling:
• Adjustment problems with a brother/sister, who, because of the disability, gets a larger portion of family time and attention.
• Feeling embarrassed among peers due to the appearance or actions of the disabled sibling.
• Over-protectiveness towards the disabled sibling
• Guilty feelings while enjoying activities that the sibling with disability can’t.
• Experiencing jealousy because they may be required to do family chores, while nothing is expected of the disabled sibling.
To prevent these, parents must sit down and talk to children about what a disability really means (both physically and mentally). Further, don’t ask the non disabled sibling to ‘take care’ of the challenged one; ask them to take care of each other. Set the tone for sibling interactions (and attitudes) by example and by direct communications.
Also, very importantly, make sure that you spend quality time with your spouse, for you haven’t lost the right to enjoy life. Additionally, kids feel secure upon seeing their parents in love with each other.
Believe in yourself
Listen to all advice but go by what you feel is right. No doctor, counsellor or therapist deals with the disability 24/7. You’ll be doing that. So, though their suggestions and guidance are essential to help you have objectivity, ultimately it’s your everyday experiences and observations that will guide you the best. Also, don’t discuss the disability with everyone you come across. For one, it’ll hurt the child’s sentiments. Secondly, majority of people view disability as a curse, so either they’ll sympathize with you, talk about a relative with similar problem, or mention some ‘miracle cure’.
Quoting Dr. Stromer’s words, “Part of your child’s happiness will come about if s/he sees you as parents who find life enjoyable and challenging. So – have a zest for living, a spirit of wonder, and a confidence that the problems of life can be solved. Finally, listen to the experts, but also trust yourself.”
Don’t Overtax Yourself
Finally, don’t tire out yourself completely. Maintain your health and let your children see you happy… just as you would want to see them. Everyone has limitations, so don’t try to control everything. Quoting Dr. Sehejpal, “Let certain things stay the way they are. Humans show remarkable functional adaptations, provided they don’t tamper with everything that seems to be amiss”. She gave the example of a girl who had a deformed right hand thumb since birth. However, she was managing well (holding things in a particular way), till her parents got her operated. Though the thumb looked normal now, the girl was at a loss as to the way she would use it, and had to resort to her left hand.
In Nutshell…
Dr. Stromer suggested a very effective line of thought… “Isn’t everyone disabled in one way or the other? A teenager might be extremely conscious of her appearance, your dad might be too short to become a basket ball player, XYZ might have a voice too hoarse to sing …ultimately everything rests on how the individual views himself/herself”. So, work on making that view positive.


Sidebar
Challenged people experience high levels of guilt if others miss fun on their account. Hence, with them, the importance of planning can’t be overemphasized. Barring the inevitable happenings, efficient planning always increases the chances of success. For career prospects, critically consider the pros and cons of various options. Consider issues like mobility, communication capacities, finances for emergency, and the individual's own preferences. Don’t let your worries about the future show; but convey the necessity of being organized, systematic and realistic. For severe disability, a file detailing the individual’s needs, limitations, medical history, and contacts should be kept in a safe place, known to all family members.

Tick the Ticks (Time Management)

TICK THE TICKS

Women, as daughters, sisters, wives, and mothers, play multiple roles. Cooking to washing, working at office to managing kids at home, hosting to visiting, and planning to executing, they have a pivotal role in everything. However, women are humans; and they fall short of time. Says Meenakshi, a primary school teacher, “It’s so difficult to manage everything that life demands of me… there’s hardly any time left for myself!” Rohini owns a boutique in Shimla. She complains of either having too much time or no time at all. “Summer season flies within a blink. On the other hand, during winters, I don’t know how to kill time! Tell me how to balance.” Most of the working women have similar complaints.
Time management should be an essential ingredient of one’s daily agenda. Ralph Waldo Emerson, the American poet, author and philosopher once remarked, “This time, like all times, is a very good one, only if we know what to do with it.” All of us have 24 hours per day and seven days per week. Yet, in the same time period, some people seem to get more work done, while others less. Former makes every second count, while latter works on killing seconds. Let us see how to move towards the better category…
PLAN

Though the importance of planning has been emphasized in many contexts, it holds most true for time management. Knowing what one has to do at a given point of time reduces time wastage. A timetable for students, an itinerary for tourists, or step-wise recipe for a chef – all provide with a planned base to build the required activities upon.

A tip for planning – don’t under/overestimate your capacities. Try to strike an ideal match with your potentials. It facilitates reaching goals. Says Kanika, an engineering student, “The first thing I do every morning is pen down a log of day’s activities; with the corresponding timings. It smoothens up my thought process for the day, and helps maximize with time.”

SCHEDULE BREAKS

Studies have shown that anything, when prolonged for more than two hours at a stretch, takes a toll on one’s capacity – both mentally and physically. For its movies, Indian cinema sets an ideal break point at one and a half hours. Similar should be our aim while managing time. Further, these breaks shouldn’t exceed ten minutes.

After a particular time period, whatever we do, will demand greater time and effort, unless marked by a sufficient break. During journeys it can be a tea-break; while students can listen to music, for housewives television/nap serves the function; while a doctor might prefer a handy quotations book.

DELEGATE

Psychologists are of the opinion that perfectionists find it difficult to delegate. They prefer doing everything themselves. It’s good to be self-dependent, but, it doesn’t mean you stop delegating duties; rather, it means that delegation must be done efficiently.

You don’t have to do it all yourself. People around you tend to rise to your level of expectation. Utilize your inner circle. Your family, friends, and co-workers are the people who are closest to you, they love and care for you the most and they will help you, if you’ll ask. Friends can pool errand running. Children can do laundry. Co-workers will give a willing hand. But remember the adage, “To have a friend, be a friend.” Offer to help others, and, they’ll be there when you need help.

BE PRACTICAL

It’s good to dream big, but, it’s not good to be impractical. Have smaller achievable goals. These are easy to attain, save time and energy, and contribute towards our long term growth. “I used to aim at finishing four to six chapters of Maths daily…” says Monica, a class XII student. “Now I am more practical with myself.” She adds

Being practical is equally beneficial with other time management skills as well. Planning practically reduces chances of failure, and delegating practically elevates chances of accomplishment. “Conjuring up dreams doesn’t do much good; I have to be practical with my customers.” Shares Arushi, a Mumbai based entrepreneur.

PRIORITIZE

Prioritizing is an art. It’s best learnt through practice, and gets our best delivered to most essential tasks. Along with well-managed time, other benefits are peace of mind and efficiency. Be sure about what is most important to you - would you prefer meeting friends or going for a work out, would you cook at home or rather get home-delivery. Make intelligent choices that fit your resources and meet your needs.

MANAGE RELATIONS

It might sound absurd on the face, but, managing relations is a time saver. Instead of being irregular, meeting after ages, and going through the labour of catching up, it’s better to be constantly in touch. Nurturing relations pays in other ways, too.

“I used to call people only for work” says Sameer, a New York based Telecom worker. “With time I learnt how essential it is to be in regular touch. It smoothens up the conversations, thus saving time in unexpected ways!”

USE TECHNOLOGY

Gizmos and gadgets, laptops and digital diaries, all contribute towards saving time. Get used to them. For those who are tuned to using traditional equipments, it might take labour and patience in the beginning, but, the investment pays off. Use technology.

Ankush Kakkar, a small town student, was gifted a digital diary by his father. “I carry it everywhere I go. All my contacts’ details are 24 hours with me. It’s amazing!” he grins.

MAXIMIZE ENERGY WITH YOGA

Aerobics, yoga, and meditation build up physical and mental health. Though they seem to consume time, in actuality, they save time by quickening our actions and thoughts. They also make us more graceful, happier and content; thus, facilitating our decision making capacities. Anita, a psychologist, claims being able to reduce the no. of sessions per client once she began with yoga. “I am able to give more spontaneous replies now” she explains.

Studies have also shown that exercise releases happiness inducing hormones in our body, thus making us feel brighter and livelier. Increased energy levels also help us get more no. of tasks done in a day, thus giving us more relaxed weekends as a bonus.

QUICK TIPS

Availing of the services of a counsellor saves the extra energy and time we might spend discussing our problems with people. We should be open to spending time and money on it. It has become as normal as consulting a physician for common ailments. If you haven’t adopted that yet, do so.

Some other quick tips that can be adopted are playing music while exercising, setting your cell’s wallpaper on time, having a cleanly stacked cupboard, and setting all wall clocks ten minutes ahead of time.

Once you begin doing the above mentioned things regularly, they develop into habits, and happen automatically. It’s not only for women; students, men, teenagers and artists – all needs time management skills. In a perfectionist and competitive world, it’s of utmost importance and urgency that we inculcate a time-saving attitude. Robert Orben, the renowned American magician and professional comedy writer said, “Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.”

As the saying goes, “Time can bring back money, but, money can’t bring back time”.

Anjaana Anjaani

Anjaana Anjaani
This movie is a twist! I say this, because it has a new touch, it’s highly likely that you will not feel as if you have seen a movie. Just a lingering positive affect...
The hero heroine meet at a suicide spot, and, strike a neutral note, which, over the next few meetings turns out at as ‘The Way Things Are To Be’. Ranbir Kapoor is the serious one, with Priyanka Chopra presented as more fun loving and extrovert. They decide to fulfil each other’s wishes – ‘Things To Do Before you Die’.
The tasks begin with a swim in chilling Atlantic Ocean – Priyanka throws a bottle with an anonymous prayer written in it. The adventure leads to both of them sharing their life stories, which, though, are not very touching, do create a flow. Priyanka Chopra, being the versatile actor that she is, gives a rhythm to the film.
Ranbir Kapoor does his job when following their car-thieves: He gets captivated in a gay community but manages to act out of it.
The end is qualitatively satiating.
It’s just free watch -- provided you have three hours.

N's Engagement

I attended N's engagement today. Much fun. But, that's just from friends' viewpoint. Her would-be had to wear a turban: To be able to mould into her community:Her famly, unfortunately, wasn't as enthusiastic as they should have been. Her cousins, her alltime playmates in her joint family, weren't dressed or dancing as enthusiastically as they might have. Except the mature people

Indian marriages

Old friend

Old friend

Today, N visited. She is marrying a boy of another religion, much against her father’s wishes. The decision and event has caused much havoc in her home. Not only does she have to face tantrums, she told; but, face family members’ indifference, too (backed by society’s curiosity). She broke down weeping in front of me, however, heartfelt(ingly) regained composure and mentioned the pain.

I am reminded of old days... Times she’d visit unexpectedly : either at lunch times (which I tease her about till date), or to discuss plans. Career, friends, teachers and cities... Ever green topics... ever green memories...

May she stay smiling and may God Bless her!

Novel Review

What to Do When someone Dies – Nicci French

To begin, I loved the novel. Nicci French has done complete justice to this commonplace-yet-fresh idea of a grieving widow’s story. Um, excuse me! The story is actually about a widow who is not grieving. Allow me to clarify...
Ellie’s husband dies in a car crash with a hitherto unknown lady (Melina Livingstone) in very unusual setting(s) [His seat belt is unbuckled, Livingstone is well-known for having extra-marital affairs, and he had fought with her wife the same morning].
Not to be convinced with much-convincing evidence about her husband’s deceit, Ellie sets out to solve the mystery. The general stages of grief are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance *; Ellie however commits herself to the undertaken job most painstakingly. Blurred by doubts about her sanity, aided by her friends’ compassion, and inundated with her husband’s memory, she keeps at her work till situation forces her to give up.
She had walked into Melina Livingstone’s office – and searched thoroughly for anything – just anything. Unable to reveal her real motives, she had lived with her best friend’s identity till it had to be thrown away. Nothing working, she had decided to grieve like a normal widow... However, fate had plans.
Just a few weeks later, her hardwork of disguise, torment and altered identity gives shape, and, the mystery unfolds. Her husband was murdered.
Most intriguing, most captivating, most moving, and most fine... What To Do When Someone Dies is a perfect delight!

*The Kübler-Ross model, commonly known as the five stages of grief, was first introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book, On Death and Dying.

Senior citizens council

The Speaking Pen
(By Reema Bansal)

“I maintain files for all the undertaken activities” smiles Mr. R.K. Jain, President - Founder of Senior Citizens Council, Jagadhri (Haryana). He has a knack of picking up issues that corrode the society and dealing with them head-on.

Take obscenity, for instance. Remember the column ‘Spotlight’ at the left top corner of Tribune’s front page? The space carried one lewd photograph almost every day. However, thanks to the initiatives taken by Mr. R.K. Jain, the column stands scrapped. “It upset me to see a reputed newspaper featuring such items on its front page. Hence, I started writing letters to the editor, expressing my sentiments. Upon persistent reception of these letters, the editor felt compelled to take action.”

A retired Assistant Divisional Manager in Life Insurance Corporation, Mr. R.K. Jain felt the urge to devote his time and energy to community benefit. He started working towards the establishment of a society. This was in 1998. Today, hundred members meet up regularly and express their concerns. These are communicated to relevant authorities in written, till it fetches the desired outcome.

After continued correspondence with The Tribune, and backed by positive feedback, Mr. R.K. Jain launched a full-fledged crusade against obscenity. He began writing to Dainik Bhaaskar, Indian Express and Punjab Kesari. The publications are eighty per cent less profane now. “An entire generation rides on the same boat. Why pollute these young minds?” He asks in a passionate voice.

The next agenda was in tune with the name of the society. Tales of sons killing fathers and daughters shunning mothers plagued his mind. However, it served no purpose merely expressing regret over them. He felt that the criminal sons should lose their share of inheritance from their parent’s property. Laws were proposed, all through letters to editors. The ball started rolling. Now, further clauses are being added to the bill. It’s also hoped that people in old age homes would be entitled to monetary compensation by their kids.

There are times the man feels let down, publications don’t respond, or political hassles created. But the force of his emotions and grit spur him on. Dr. Bansal, a close friend, comments, “The enthusiasm and genuineness rub off on you. I don’t remember a single meeting with him, that didn’t leave me motivated.”

One of the recent ideas picked up was ‘Highlighting the strengths of Pratibha Patil, our newly elected President’. While most of the media presented her as a rubber stamp, Mr. R.K. Jain managed to notice some very desirable qualities. Hence began a post-card campaign to highlight the same. The post cards mentioned her ‘Indian way of dressing, talking, and behaving’. “I don’t know the lady in person. But, as a citizen of India, I felt compelled to bring her positive qualities to notice. Her persona exudes Indian-ness.” The 75 year old told the author.

When asked about his gains from these written campaigns, he calmly says, “Being useful to society is a profit in itself. The Council is a public platform, and I’ll keep working through it in as much capacity as I can.”