All About Love
By Reema Bansal
‘Love’. The four lettered word holds a special place in every heart. It conjures up images of red roses, blushing cheeks, perfumed letters, gifts, and sunset points. Though we smile at the mention of these images, few of us are aware of the chemistry, physiology, biology, and most important - actuality behind love.
Saya N, a 22 year old, “Whichever boy I see, I find James in him.” James compliments N for being a loving and caring girl. They have been together for four years now, but, the charm of love hasn’t faded.
Moumee, 25, feels that her boyfriend Ritesh is very reliable. Ritesh (looking at Moumee) says, “I find her very sweet and cute”. They look like a perfect match.
Both the examples quoted above are love stories, yet they are different. What they have in common is trust, liking, romance and attraction. What varies is the outward appearance. Also, romantic love is very different from sibling love, friendly love, or parental love. Let us have a look at love, myriad forms of love, and other related aspects.
Physiology
"One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love." said Sophocles, the ancient Greek playwright (dramatist). It’s true. Being in love is a happiness inducing state. It happens through the neurotransmitters in our brain. Studies have shown that being with our loved one produces chemicals in our brain that make us feel happy; not only that, these chemicals also induce relaxation.
For some, love, at least in the beginning, can produce thrilling moments. There from originate statements like ‘going mad in love’, ‘can’t see anything else’ etc. Once again, this can be attributed to physiological changes in our brains. As felt personally by Nikki Giovanni, the Grammy-nominated American poet, activist and author, "We love because it's the only true adventure."
Psychology
The mere knowledge, that somebody loves us as much as we love him/her, gives high satisfaction. While this makes for a common reason, there are case specific reasons also. It has been observed that when people pair up, somewhere their psychological needs are being fulfilled. For example, a girl might be enjoying the care that her boyfriend doles upon her, while the boy might be enjoying the feeling of being needed by the girl.
"Love has no awareness of merit or demerit; it has no scale... Love loves; this is its nature." put Howard Thurman, author, philosopher, educator and civil rights leader. In simpler words, love is ‘unjudging’ in nature - The partners give each other unquestioned acceptance. This is because their own well-being becomes entwined with the other person and they don’t want to forego it.
Hence, we see how love overpowers us, both psychologically and physiologically. So, what is it that makes romantic love different from other forms of love? Psychologically speaking, each form of love has different feelings as its ingredients.
Sternberg, a renowned psychologist, conceptualized love relationships as encompassing three basic components: intimacy, passion, and commitment.
• Consummate love, i.e. ideal form of love, consists of all three ingredients.
• Romantic love consists of intimacy and passion; lovers are emotionally and physically attracted to each other, but, without commitment.
• Next is liking, i.e. intimacy alone. These are true friendships without passion or long-term commitment.
• Compassionate love comprises of intimacy and commitment.
• Infatuation is passion.
• Fatuous love is all about being passionate and committed.
• Empty love is commitment alone, a decision to love another without intimacy or passion. This is what we sometimes observe in arranged marriages, in the initial few days.
Out of all, consummate love is the most difficult to attain. Also, it’s the most secure form of love. Its other ingredients are trust, selflessness and care. Unfortunately, youngsters are rarely seen in consummate love, most of them are either infatuated or just being romantic. This is where the role of elders comes in – as long as they keep all channels of communication open with their children, chances are higher that the children will find consummate love. Usually this near-perfection form of love occurs when all other forms have been crossed at different stages; and once it occurs, it’s a great feeling. Chirag, a 28 year old architect from Delhi shares, “I and Nisha dated for seven years before committing to each other. It was fulfilling – the way our feelings grew over time.” Chirag and Nisha are getting married next year.
Feel Complete
"We cannot really love anybody without whom we never laugh" – anonymous. Be happy, and laugh, and THEN, let yourself get in love. A content and complete person is truer in love than the one who finds content through love. Love isn’t a way of completing oneself; rather, it enriches a complete life. Furthermore, believing in yourself and enjoying life are the best ways of letting love enter your life. Maturity of thought and spontaneity of actions are additional advantages.
Be Prepared
Ups and downs are a part of life. Clashes with the loved one produce great misery. Be prepared for these. Greater are the struggles that a love relationship sees, greater is the bonding. After all it’s the same relation that will give joy, as well. As said by anonymous, "Once in a while, right in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale." Dinesh and Arti, an NRI couple, feel that the very fact that their love survived all the odds makes them dedicated to each other. “We could have never attained the level of understanding we have today, unless we had fought so much in the initial days”, smiles Arti. It doesn’t mean you fight intentionally, it means that you accept the situation when a fight occurs and try to resolve it in the best possible way.
Be Hopeful
Never lose heart. "For every love there is a heart somewhere to receive it", said Ivan Panin, who achieved fame for claiming that the text of the Bible contained numeric patterns. Each person has someone made for him/her, the trick is to let love find you and not go searching for love. Meaning to say that the more of yourself you are at each given moment, higher are the chances of finding true love. The more you go looking for it, the more you reduce, chances of finding it. However, if nothing works, just do things that you enjoy, e.g. joining a painting class, or swimming. Someone will automatically come into picture.
Finally, there are no do’s and don’ts in love. In the words of Iris Murdoch, Dublin-born writer and philosopher, “ We can learn to love only by loving." Learn to enjoy, well-within boundaries, and let the colours of love beautify your life. That is its true nature.
"To laugh often and love much... to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to give one's self... this is to have succeeded." - Ralph Waldo Emerson - American essayist, philosopher, poet, and leader of the Transcendentalist movement. In nutshell, let love love, nothing more, nothing less; and you’ll succeed in love. After all, as is well know, to have loved and lost in love is bad, but, to never have loved is even worse.
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